The Legend of Zelda: Elves in Tights
by Evenstar2
Summary: Link and Zelda have just met. Will Link risk his life to save his new kleptomanic friend?
1. First Impression

Hey! This is my first fanfic so be nice in your reviews. Even if you don't like it, you must give me some credit for not making it a Mary Sue. Mary Sue's scare me.  
  
As a disclaimer, I do not own Nintendo, Link, or Zelda. Ivy, Zelda's maid is my own creation. I wish I owned Nintendo. I really, truly do.  
  
Okay, enough rambling. Now for the story.  
  
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It was an overcast day in the middle of summer. The sky was a dull gray, and everyone in the kingdom was bored out of their wits.  
  
As a pink-clad princess walked through a forest in Hyrule with her maid Ivy, she suddenly stopped. Ivy crashed into her mistress's back.  
  
Across the river before them sat a young man, about the same age as the girls. The princess's eyes widened. "Ivy," she whispered, "he's a Kokiri!"  
  
"Yes, Princess Zelda," replied the slender Ivy, who knew where this conversation was going.  
  
Zelda sighed and shook her head, blonde hair sliding around on her back. Ivy never had really understood Zelda's attraction to guys with long, pointy ears and white tights. "I know a hottie when I see one, Ivy."  
  
"What do you want me to do about it? Ask him out for you??" questioned Ivy.  
  
"Swim across the river and pull on his ears to see if they're real or latex," responded Zelda.  
  
Without further talk, Ivy was charging towards the stream, and as she dove in, Zelda let out a hideous snort-laugh, the kind that was only produced when she found something hysterically funny.  
  
By this time, she had gained the Kokiri's full attention. "I was only kidding Ivy!" Zelda yelled. Tears rolled down her face.  
  
Of course Ivy couldn't hear Zelda, as she was underwater. But when Ivy emerged from the opposing bank and ran up to the man, Zelda didn't even bother to speak. Ivy tugged on his left ear and a very loud scream was emitted.  
  
"AAUUGHHH!!! What the heck was that for!?!?!" the young man yelled.  
  
Zelda laughed. And laughed. And laughed. She doubled over laughing, only to unintentionally plant her lovely face right into mud.  
  
Now the young man across the river was laughing, as was Ivy who had recovered from the shock of the scream. Shaking, Zelda emerged from the mud. With disgust, she wiped the filth from her face. Then, the real disaster occurred - Zelda discovered the condition of her lacy pink dress. "Nooo!" she yelped. "This was a 2,500 rupee Prada!!"  
  
Much to Ivy and Non-Latex-Ears's surprise, Zelda removed her dirty dress, revealing a pink and white striped camisole and hot pink boxers that had "Bootylicious" printed all over them.  
  
"Well. Um. Princess Zelda. I didn't realize you wore boxers," commented Ivy with a funny expression on her face. Zelda looked down and realized her mistake.  
  
"I, er.it's not like that! I'm not bootylicious! It was the last pair at the store! I needed a new pair of undies and I hate to wear briefs which give you wedgies and thongs which is like having a permanent wedgie! Thongs are pointless! I'm not bootylicious! I - "  
  
Zelda babbled on and on about how she was not bootylicious and wasn't trying to make anyone think she was and the hazards of wearing thongs for about five minutes. After her rambling, Ivy could only ask one thing. "Don't boxers get, um, kinda drafty??" The princess didn't answer.  
  
She only could see her beautiful elf. He wore a green tunic, white tights, and brown boots. His blonde hair flopped in his sea green eyes.  
  
But Zelda was not captivated for long.  
  
On the ground next to him were a shiny sword and a shield. Ivy noticed the weapons a moment before Zelda did. Unfortunately, there was not enough time to stop the princess. Zelda cannonballed into the river and was across in less that five seconds.  
  
"How did she do that?" the Kokiri asked himself. Zelda, dripping wet, sprang out of the water and sprinted to the sword and shield.  
  
"Oh good lord," said Ivy.  
  
"What is wrong with her?" the elf asked Ivy.  
  
"She loves all things shiny. And she's a kleptoma - "  
  
"YAAAAAAHHH!!! SHINY SWORD!!! SHINY SHIELD!! WHEEEE!!!" Zelda's amber eyes were as big as frying pans. She picked up the sword and waved it madly around in the air. "SHINY SHINY SHINY!!!!"  
  
"Oh good lord," said the elf. "She is obsessed with shiny things. Does this happen very often?"  
  
"Sad to say, yes. You should see her at the dinner table. We lose at least five pieces of silverware per day. She steals them. There's a massive collection of shiny things in her bed chamber," Ivy replied in a sorrowful tone of voice.  
  
The elf sighed. "Well, everyone has their faults. Oh, and by the way, I'm Link."  
  
* * *  
  
I hope you like my story so far! I should have the next chapter up soon. Please review, thanks! 


	2. Tunics and Tights

Yay, Chapter II of my story is here!  
  
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Zelda was still running around, screaming wildly.  
  
"SHINY SWORD!"  
  
Link had just introduced himself to Zelda's maid, Ivy, and Ivy had familiarized herself with Link. Ivy introduced Zelda, as Zelda was obsessing over Link's sword.  
  
"Zelda looks mighty funny running about in hot pink boxers with your sword," remarked Ivy.  
  
"Okay Zelda, playtime's up. Give me the sword," said Link, calm as ever. Zelda stopped her nancing and her face fell.  
  
"Why? I like this sword. It's shiny. Very nice and shiny indeed."  
  
Link sighed. "I can give you my old sword. It's not as shiny, but - "  
  
"No shine, no fun," pouted Zelda. She tossed her long hair and made a "Hmf!" sound.  
  
* * *  
  
A few hours later, the elf had convinced the princess to give back the sword - with a promise of taking her on his adventures with him. Oh, what a mistake he made.  
  
Zelda dragged Link through the river, back to her home in Hyrule Castle. Link was cold and wet. "Um. Princess, do you have a change of clothes? I'm kind of sopping wet at the moment."  
  
"Say no more!" said Zelda, "I have just the thing." With that, Zelda ran off down a hallway. Link was left alone with Ivy.  
  
"Zelda's weird," said Link to the maid.  
  
"You invited her on your trip. Get used to it," countered Ivy.  
  
Soon enough, Zelda was back, with a frilly, pale pink cotton nightgown. It was complete with a little bow on the neckline. Very Zelda-esque.  
  
Link gaped. "I can't wear that!! It's so.girly!"  
  
"Like your tights aren't," Ivy muttered under her breath but Link didn't notice the insult.  
  
"Haven't you got a tunic? I always wear tunics. Tunics fill my entire closet, and part of Aryll's. Aryll gets pissed off because there's not enough room for her little dresses. Tunics are what I wear. Tunics make the world go round with a little help from white tights. Tunics are my life!" Link had said that all in one sentence and was quite out of breath from his rant.  
  
"Oh, my god, you have no life," said Zelda, dismissing Link's theory. "You poor little social outcast. Everyone knows that shiny things make the world go round!" Zelda had a kind of "duh" tone of voice.  
  
Link was outraged. "Shiny things? SHINY THINGS?? Surely you mean tunics!!"  
  
"I don't mean tunics. And don't call me Shirley."  
  
"Tunics!!!"  
  
"Shiny things!!!!"  
  
"TUNICS!!!!!"  
  
Zelda was mad. Only in extreme circumstances did the following happen. She couldn't hold her anger in. She turned into Sheik. Ivy quickly retreated from the room.  
  
"YOU SCUMMY TUNIC-WORSHIPPER!!!" Zelda/Sheik hit Link on the head with the pink nightgown.  
  
"SCUMBAG KLEPTOMANIC!!!" Link whipped out his bow and arrow and aimed at Sheik.  
  
"OH YEAH?!?! WELL AT LEAST I HAVE GOOD TASTE IN UNDERWEAR!! WHAT DO YOU WEAR, A THONG???" Zelda/Sheik screamed.  
  
Link paused for a moment. As a matter of fact, he did wear thongs, but only because everyone knows you can't wear briefs or boxers with tights. He didn't answer Zelda's question. Unless shooting her with an arrow counts as an answer.  
  
"OHHHH, I'VE BEEN HIT!!" The princess wailed. "The pain. The excruciating agony," she whispered dramatically. Sheik transformed back into Zelda and crumpled down on the ground.  
  
Link was startled. He didn't think he'd actually hit the princess. He grabbed a healing potion from a pocket in his tunic and gave it to Zelda. She drank it all in one gulp, and then burped loudly. Zelda stuck out her lower lip. "Shiny things," she said to the Kokiri, pouting.  
  
Link was surprised she had the strength to say that. He decided not to argue.  
  
"Link, do you really wear a thong?"  
  
Why do we always end up talking about underwear? Link thought. He blushed and said, "Um. No. Um. Of course not. I'm not a thongish person."  
  
"Aha, just as I suspected. I knew you wore a thong," replied Zelda triumphantly. Then she got up and left.  
  
* * *  
  
"What the hell did I see in that elf? I mean, he wears tights! How utterly feminine. I'm surprised his enemies don't die of laughter. At least he doesn't wear pointy toed shoes," vented Zelda to the Psychiatrist of Hyrule, Medli.  
  
Medli took notes in a black and white composition book: 'Princess had an odd obsession with elf, but doesn't like him now due to tights, his opposition to shiny objects, and his selfishness.' Sometimes Medli felt that 100 rupees an hour just wasn't enough.  
  
"Well, Zelda, I feel I must prescribe you to banjo therapy with the Great Deku Tree. The Great Deku is a very accomplished banjoist, you know," said Medli. She always prescribed banjo therapy. If she had not become a psychiatrist, she wanted to be a professional banjo player.  
  
"How do I get to the Forest Haven?"  
  
"Boat, Princess Zelda, obviously," stated Medli, holding back an eye roll. "If you don't have one, borrow one. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?" Zelda shook her head, no.  
  
Link had a boat. King of Red Lions. Zelda giggled and left the office.  
  
"I get a kick out of this job," said Medli to no one in particular. A minute later, her next patient, Ganondorf walked in.  
  
"I have this fear of being defeated by elves in white tights," he began.  
  
Zelda was thinking hard as she left the office of Medli. How would she go about getting Link's boat?  
  
A true sign of insanity, Zelda began talking to herself. "Well, Link is pretty ticked at me right now. I could steal the boat. I don't know how much he'd like that though. Why do I care what he would think? Steal the boat, Zelda! Just steal it! No, don't steal it." Zelda fought with her conscience all the way back to the palace. She continued to fight as she walked to the kitchen to prepare a hot dog for dinner.  
  
A couple minutes later, she walked out into the dining hall with her food and a bottle of ketchup. At the other end of the room, Link sat by himself, eating an English muffin with butter. Zelda sat seven seats down the table from him.  
  
She opened up the ketchup and put a think coating of it on her hot dog. She took a large bite - and immediately spit it back out.  
  
"It's hot!!!" she screeched. "Oh my god, I need water!!!" She ran out of the dining room.  
  
Link laughed. Zelda had grabbed the hot sauce instead of ketchup.  
  
Link finished his muffin and wandered up to his guest room, where he had to do something very important.  
  
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As always, please review, and I'm working on the third chapter! 


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